Wannabes
A pop-anthropological pen-portrait
Words Bobby Fenton | Images Neil Kerr
One weekday last winter, I threw my skis on the roof, my boots in my car and headed up the mountain. The webcams suggested that the 5cm the resort had called overnight might be just a little deeper where it had drifted in. The forecast was calm, and maybe the clouds would even break. Either way, there were bound be pockets of joy stashed around the place.
Happily winding my way along the mountain road, I was blissfully ignorant of what I would find when I got there. “There’re a lot of cars heading up here,” I mused, as I turned off the highway. It’s not the holiday season, but I guess people want to ski…even if it’s a Tuesday!
What I didn’t know was that this was a Wanaka Guy day, when untold “locals” come out of all the nooks and crannies. There’s snow today! We must go skiing! This is why we crippled ourselves financially to move to a ski town, after all!
And consequently, Wanaka Guy, and all his Wanaka Guy mates, go skiing. Wanaka Guy spends a lot of time thinking about skiing.
Wanaka Guy was sure it would be good today, because Wanaka Guy has snowfall apps, websites, notifications, and a shortcut to the mountain’s webcams on his browser.
Wanaka Guy doesn’t seem to work much. He can always find time to get up the mountain in his new utility. His workplace is flexible. He’s got a start-up. And something about crypto.
Wanaka Guy is an expert. He knows what the wind will do with the snow, and where the best spots will be. Matukituki? Nah, bro, last night’s wind will have stripped it—you don’t wanna go there. Wanaka Guy likes to believe he’s scoring the best turns in places deep in the remote sidecountry, where no-one else would think of going. Wanaka Guy is often wrong in those expectations.
“He thinks the guy riding the lift with him has skis that are too narrow. He can’t help himself but tell him so. Nothing under 100mm up here, bro.”
Wanaka Guy moves with an entourage of other Wanaka Guys. That way there are plenty of people to impress with his deep knowledge of skiing and mountain life. Wanaka Guy has lots of opinions about skis. He thinks the guy riding the lift with him has skis that are too narrow. He can’t help himself but tell him so. Nothing under 100mm up here, bro. That’s what you need as a daily driver on a mountain like this. The chair ride can’t end soon enough for his new friend. Did Wanaka Guy tell you he was into ski touring?
He’ll tell you all about his boots and bindings and how they work. How they’re so much better when he’s out in the sidecountry being all big mountain and stuff. In fact, if you want to talk hardware on the lift, Wanaka Guy is your man. He’ll tell you in detail why his setup is perfect for these conditions. He’ll tell you about lift pass prices and how a ski resort should be run, too. And what he can’t tell you about snow science might well be the end of him one day. If only the lifts at this resort didn’t stop so often!
Now you might be thinking that Wanaka Guy sounds like an asshole, and you’re partly right; there is some overlap between the two species. But beneath all of his technical knowledge, Wanaka Guy is sometimes a little insecure, and he covers this insecurity by being a know-it-all.
“Now you might be thinking that Wanaka Guy sounds like an asshole, and you’re partly right; there is some overlap between the two species.”
But dissing Wanaka Guy so hard is like kicking a puppy, because above all, Wanaka Guy is stoked! So stoked. He tells everyone what a great day he’s had. Skiing is the best and he loves it so. He’s generous, too. Back at the carpark, he hands out craft brews from his expensive, branded cooler and relives his runs with his friends.
He’ll be just as enthusiastic about the lines his mates rode: bro, that one turn you did, it was so rad. Handing out praise makes him feel good and helps him retain his feelings of superiority over the visiting skiers. He knows what good skiing looks like! He’s an expert.
Wanaka Guy puts his boots back into his heated boot bag and plugs it into the power outlet in the boot of his car. Bro, you should totally get one of these—so good. My wife bought it for my birthday. Wanaka Guy always has some good advice, which you may or may not appreciate.
But what a day he’s had! At the pub he’s already checking the forecasts. Check this out, he says, showing his friend his phone. 20cm next Wednesday! We’re totally going to score!
With his perfect skis, his accessories, and his local knowledge, Wanaka Guy is a perpetual optimist. After all, he lives in Wanaka. It’s always going to be good and he’s always going to score. You just have to stay on top of the forecasts and be flexible, bro. Be in the know. It’s gonna be so epic!