Skinner-Tinder For Quality Ski-Partners.
The hot new app for your winter of love!
Words Sam Smoothy | Images Neil Kerr
Sick of your unreliable ski buds? Dreaming of that one perfect partner you can truly count on when it matters most? Searching for a way to connect with someone to share your passion for saucy sunrises and hot and sweaty afternoons?
Then download Skinner! The hot new app for your winter of Love!
Spend your autumn swiping our selection, so once the snow starts settling, you won’t have to! With the proliferation of quality backcountry kit, more and more people are ditching the lifts to break their own trail. Never before has the pool of backcountry partners been so deep, but how do you wade through the masses to find that one true match?
Much like with any romantic entanglement—app-based or otherwise—there are some definite red flags, scenarios and stereotypes you’re best to skin clear of.
THE CAFÉ RACER
The gentrification of resort towns has vastly increased the quality of coffee. Consequently, start times have suffered as your partner simply must ‘pop past Kai’ to grab a quick fix – where that five-minute ‘grab & go’ spirals into a 45-minute seated three-course gossip session. You may want to point out that modern supermarkets frequently encourage you to store coffee and foodstuffs at home. Or that there’s no place more tactful to gossip than in the middle of nowhere. This may aid your ability to arrive at your chosen zone before midday.
SIX IS A CROWD
Ever been indulging in some après-ski fondue, only to find a few too many forks? Hands are roaming everywhere, the bread’s gone soggy or fallen off altogether. And you’re pretty sure somebody’s double dipping. Understanding where that fork has been and what cheeses it’s been dipped into is paramount for proper fondue protocol. Just like touring in the backcountry. Less really is more,so leave those extra burdens behind before things get sloppy. Ratpacks are for the resort.
THE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED PULL OUT
A touch less snow and a pile more cloud builds the lazy skier’s reticence to get among it. Who’s to say whether indecision may or may not be the last-minute bailer’s problem? Endemic amongst the self-employed/remote worker, you may find yourself ditched for a spreadsheet. How sad. Repeat offenders should be quietly sat on the sidelines.
THE CHATTY KATY/KENNETH
Due to a flawed evolutionary system design, talking while breathing hard is incredibly difficult. But for those who spend the summer earnestly recycling beer cans on the beach, the ultimate in passive aggressive skinning can be turned to their advantage. Get to know your partner’s particular forms of existential dread/politics/controversial stances/crypto and ply them with open-ended questions. Now sit back and enjoy moving at a slower pace.
"Understanding where that fork has been and what cheeses it’s been dipped into is paramount to proper fondue protocol. Just like touring in the backcountry. "
THE AWKWARD EX
Fresh off a high-octane day in the hills, the powder still melting off your goggles, you run smack into that partner you bailed on. Guilt seeps out of your pores as they bemoan the lift lines and chopped up mank you abandoned them to. The conversation stalls as you stammer out the thinnest of excuses. Tremble before their gaze and repent.
THE VAGUE-RANT
Whether it’s taking three days to answer a text, or only answering one question out of three, these great people are tough to deal with. Plans half made are frequently only half successful. Consider injecting a dose of powerful ‘FOMO’ to emotionally manipulate them into better communication. Any mission they miss out on now becomes 68% bigger, badder and more beautiful in any public re-telling. Subtly point out their absence: “Maaaate, you would have loved the spine section, coastal cream cheese perfection!” then sit back and watch them squirm.
THE APPARITION
Mid online conversation they just vanish, leaving you desperately firing out 9pm distress calls in search of all and any suitable replacements to avoid wasting a stable day of sunshine. A boring day later, a harrowed cry escapes your lips as you spot their betrayal online, nailing that mutual dream line in perfect conditions. And in the Gore-Tex arms of someone else… The Apparition is often the ultimate form of the previous two typecasts, all rolled into one hideous beast.
THE MANSPLAINER.
Well this is hard to describe without..so..
If you recognise some of these characteristics in yourself or those around you maybe take a second. A good partner is far more crucial to a successful day in the backcountry than your painfully expensive kit. A recent MIT study found shovels 93% less effective in rescue scenarios without a secondary, skilled person operating them.
Partnerships works best if you have similar skills, goals, levels of fitness and risk tolerance. You may have a range of partners more suitable for certain types of days out, so choose wisely and justly. Genuine, open communication can solve many of the aforementioned issues, so how about simply talking it out? Preferably sober and not after 16 hours’ bush bashing, metaphorical or otherwise. No matter if it’s a ‘not today’, ‘not ever again’, or a free-loving ‘three Scandi Sando’, if you’re heading elsewhere let the other party know. Preferably with enough time to find another option.
Autumn is a great time to work on these relationships, whether it’s new partners or old. Get out there climbing, biking, stealing cars & build that teamwork, communication and all-important trust.